Friday, October 29, 2010

Into every life a little rain must fall...

Warning!  /rant=on

I've hit a rough spot recently, and I've really been struggling with keeping up with, well just about everything.  I've ranted before about not having enough time.  This seems to transcend that notion and take it to a whole new level.  I just feel like I'm constantly scrambling and never caught up.  So much so that I actually feel buried and too heavily fragmented to actually put real thought behind a single concept long enough to form coherent thought.

I'm sure we've all hit that point in life where things are so busy that we stop planning for a lack of available resource and just start to react.  The problem I have with that is that the reacting has become the norm and planning is out the window.  So much so that it has actually gone to shit.

I feel like I'm drowning in it...

So to complicate things, a few of the key pillars in my life that I take for granted as being somewhat safe and stalwart are now crumbling like bread that has sat out too long on the counter.  My family life, not my nuclear family at home but extensions thereof, is falling apart and I feel powerless to help it.  My mother has lost her home as so many other people have in this economy.  My work life is in such tumult that all I can really be thankful for is the fact that I actually have a job to go to every day.  Three months ago if you had asked me I'd have said that things at work are fine and dandy.  But not today.  Couple a standard 12+ hour work day with 3+ hours of commute time and what does that leave me?  A notion of work-life balance?  Forget it, that is just a falsehood of HR departments to make us feel good so we work harder.  I barely have time to gobble down a quick breakfast and dinner when I'm at home before my head wants to explode.

It feels like everything is spiraling out of control and quite frankly I don't know what to do, and I don't really have anyone to turn to.  There is no simple answer, there is no quick fix.  There is no silver bullet (don't read any more into that than necessary).

I think that if everything wasn't happening all at once it might be easier to tackle.  But the wave feels like it has built itself to such an insurmountable level that when it crashes look out.  Survivability is only possible if you aren't in its path.  I'm used to the changes in the tide, but even this storm seems to be too much.

In all honesty, all I want to do is just close the door and scream at the top of my lungs "fuck this" because I'm getting really tired of this shit.

I've neglected and withdrawn from most of my friends.  I've thrown my hobbies out the window.  Heck, look at the date of my last post.  As soon as I got back from my trip I've been stuck in this mud.  The only thing that gets my undivided attention these days outside of the office is my nuclear family at this point.

This isn't a cry for help.  This is just a cry.  I needed a proverbial shoulder and my normal outlets have proven insufficient.  I'm hoping this helps some.  Thank you for reading this far through my rant.


1 comment:

  1. I feel your pain -- and I'm sorry :(

    The fact that you took the time to write this entry is a GREAT thing. I had noticed your absence - don't worry - we didn't not notice :D, and in the last week or so, I've seen you emerge back -

    My only suggestion is this: on your outlook calendar, or whatever it is you use at work, physically WRITE IN time you need for: flickr, podcasts etc. Block off the time. Don't say too much at work about what it's for, just say "that slot is full on my schedule".